My mind doesn't feel very free now tbh - I just feel depressed. I know my life should be better than it is, but I've been forced to face that it's just really not.
Posted 10 months ago
Related Notes:
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? ~ I'd be just as old, I just wouldn't know. But I feel 20.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? ~ Never trying, even though failing is really awful.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? ~ A sense of duty I guess, and fear of trying new things.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? ~ At the rate I'm going now, probably.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? ~ I wish everyone was just kinder to each other. So many issues would be easier to solve if people were simply kinder and more understanding.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? ~ Helping animals
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? ~ I'm settling, but I don't want to be. I don't know how to have the courage to change.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? ~ I'd be a lot more depressed that mental health took so much of my life from me... I'd probably do less because I'd feel more hopeless and struggle to see the point of trying when life is almost over.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? ~ Probably not as much as I'd like. My days are dictated by my mental health and general "how my brain works". I feel a bit powerless actually.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? ~ Doing things right. I don't have much self confidence.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? ~ Stand up for my friend, offer counterpoints, but listen for valid complaints and issues.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? ~ Feel the fear and do it anyway, before the fear becomes your prison.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? ~ Depends on the law.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? ~ Probably?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? ~ Cope, or the lack of. Autism makes me quite different in many ways also.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? ~ Because everyone is different, both by nature and nurture.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? ~ Traveled further than France/DisneyLand Paris. Anxiety and lack of knowledge of how to even organise a trip abroad.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? ~ Anxiety and self-hatred.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? ~ My dream has always been Japan or Canada because they're so beautiful I feel it'd be healing for me to just be there, but both don't have great mental health... Not that the UK is helping me either
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? ~ No to both.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? ~ Joyful simpleton. So so so much.
22. Why are you, you? ~ I was born into this body, and then nurtured and bullied into this mind.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? ~ I like to think I have been. I do try.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? ~ Losing touch. Traveling is doable, but restarting a dead friendship is hard, especially if it's not mutual.
25. What are you most grateful for? ~ Honestly, as much as I hate it so much, my body. It doesn't work the way I want it to, and it doesn't look the way I want it to, but it's kept me alive. I'm really grateful for that.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? ~ Lose all my old memories. It sounds sad, but at least I won't remember what I lost, and it means I can move on from memories that torture me - the things my bullies said, my exes, all my mistakes and regrets. If I couldn't make new memories, I'd never be able to become a happier person as I'd be stuck in the past forever.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? ~ I don't understand.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? ~ Yes. But I have new greatest fears.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? ~ I'm extemely upset most weeks, so no? But also it does matter because it mattered then, and my feelings matter. That said, about 5 years ago, I found out my ex had a new girlfriend, and that fucking hurt. But I'm not as bothered now with time. I miss my best friend, I want a new best friend, but my best friend I loved for 10 years was gone by the time he ended it.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? ~ When I saw a unicorn plush I wanted in Tesco just before Christmas, and then we came home with a black bin bag I wasn't allowed to look in. Of course, I got the unicorn that Christmas. I think it's so special to me because it reminds me I'm loved - my parents saw me love something and loved me enough to find a way to get it for me.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? ~ Probably the silent disco at Butlins maybe... I felt kinda ashamed I wasn't able to dance as much as I wanted due to my weight, but I also felt almost like a normal adult, and I felt happy and free. I was dressed comfortably, but I also felt confident, I had my favourite boots on, and I got to just laugh and drink and listen to music with friends who chose to invite me.
32. If not now, then when? ~ Hopefully soon.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? ~ I don't understand.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? ~ No... You have to talk to have a conversation surely?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? ~ Human greed is stronger than religion.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? ~ No.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? ~ I don't have a job...
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? ~ More work I enjoy definitely. The thing people don't appreciate about mental health struggles is how freaking awful it is to feel so useless and also unable to do anything.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? ~ No.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? ~ I don't think I ever have?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? ~ My gran
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? ~ Honestly, probably? This is a super tough question. On one hand my self esteem and body dysmorphia is ruining my life as is, so I'm not living, not really. But I also don't want to die tomorrow having never lived. If I could be guaranteed at least another 10 years, then maybe, yes.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? ~ Contentment and happiness. You can truly live any kind of life as long as you're content, but being constantly discontent and depressed feels like a life wasted.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? ~ When you're able to.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? ~ Because it's scary - we don't know the consequences of those mistakes and how easy they'd be to fix. And people can be cruel and judgemental.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? ~ I'd do everything differently. I'd have a job. I'd go on dates, maybe even be married. I'd go on adventures and leave the house everyday. I'd be happy.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? ~ Right now.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? ~ My family, my friends, my dog, my plush toys and other valuable posessions. And I like to think so.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? ~ Probably not.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? ~ Hopefully both.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? ~ Never trying, even though failing is really awful.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? ~ A sense of duty I guess, and fear of trying new things.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? ~ At the rate I'm going now, probably.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? ~ I wish everyone was just kinder to each other. So many issues would be easier to solve if people were simply kinder and more understanding.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? ~ Helping animals
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? ~ I'm settling, but I don't want to be. I don't know how to have the courage to change.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? ~ I'd be a lot more depressed that mental health took so much of my life from me... I'd probably do less because I'd feel more hopeless and struggle to see the point of trying when life is almost over.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? ~ Probably not as much as I'd like. My days are dictated by my mental health and general "how my brain works". I feel a bit powerless actually.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? ~ Doing things right. I don't have much self confidence.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? ~ Stand up for my friend, offer counterpoints, but listen for valid complaints and issues.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? ~ Feel the fear and do it anyway, before the fear becomes your prison.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? ~ Depends on the law.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? ~ Probably?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? ~ Cope, or the lack of. Autism makes me quite different in many ways also.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? ~ Because everyone is different, both by nature and nurture.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? ~ Traveled further than France/DisneyLand Paris. Anxiety and lack of knowledge of how to even organise a trip abroad.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? ~ Anxiety and self-hatred.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? ~ My dream has always been Japan or Canada because they're so beautiful I feel it'd be healing for me to just be there, but both don't have great mental health... Not that the UK is helping me either
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? ~ No to both.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? ~ Joyful simpleton. So so so much.
22. Why are you, you? ~ I was born into this body, and then nurtured and bullied into this mind.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? ~ I like to think I have been. I do try.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? ~ Losing touch. Traveling is doable, but restarting a dead friendship is hard, especially if it's not mutual.
25. What are you most grateful for? ~ Honestly, as much as I hate it so much, my body. It doesn't work the way I want it to, and it doesn't look the way I want it to, but it's kept me alive. I'm really grateful for that.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? ~ Lose all my old memories. It sounds sad, but at least I won't remember what I lost, and it means I can move on from memories that torture me - the things my bullies said, my exes, all my mistakes and regrets. If I couldn't make new memories, I'd never be able to become a happier person as I'd be stuck in the past forever.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? ~ I don't understand.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? ~ Yes. But I have new greatest fears.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? ~ I'm extemely upset most weeks, so no? But also it does matter because it mattered then, and my feelings matter. That said, about 5 years ago, I found out my ex had a new girlfriend, and that fucking hurt. But I'm not as bothered now with time. I miss my best friend, I want a new best friend, but my best friend I loved for 10 years was gone by the time he ended it.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? ~ When I saw a unicorn plush I wanted in Tesco just before Christmas, and then we came home with a black bin bag I wasn't allowed to look in. Of course, I got the unicorn that Christmas. I think it's so special to me because it reminds me I'm loved - my parents saw me love something and loved me enough to find a way to get it for me.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? ~ Probably the silent disco at Butlins maybe... I felt kinda ashamed I wasn't able to dance as much as I wanted due to my weight, but I also felt almost like a normal adult, and I felt happy and free. I was dressed comfortably, but I also felt confident, I had my favourite boots on, and I got to just laugh and drink and listen to music with friends who chose to invite me.
32. If not now, then when? ~ Hopefully soon.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? ~ I don't understand.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? ~ No... You have to talk to have a conversation surely?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? ~ Human greed is stronger than religion.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? ~ No.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? ~ I don't have a job...
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? ~ More work I enjoy definitely. The thing people don't appreciate about mental health struggles is how freaking awful it is to feel so useless and also unable to do anything.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? ~ No.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? ~ I don't think I ever have?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? ~ My gran
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? ~ Honestly, probably? This is a super tough question. On one hand my self esteem and body dysmorphia is ruining my life as is, so I'm not living, not really. But I also don't want to die tomorrow having never lived. If I could be guaranteed at least another 10 years, then maybe, yes.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? ~ Contentment and happiness. You can truly live any kind of life as long as you're content, but being constantly discontent and depressed feels like a life wasted.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? ~ When you're able to.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? ~ Because it's scary - we don't know the consequences of those mistakes and how easy they'd be to fix. And people can be cruel and judgemental.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? ~ I'd do everything differently. I'd have a job. I'd go on dates, maybe even be married. I'd go on adventures and leave the house everyday. I'd be happy.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? ~ Right now.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? ~ My family, my friends, my dog, my plush toys and other valuable posessions. And I like to think so.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? ~ Probably not.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? ~ Hopefully both.